Rocket Raccoon Action Figure Review

...

Be straight with the forwardness at haste readers. When you hear the phrase 'Rocket Raccon', what comes to mind? No no I mean besides a lewd sexual performance in the bedroom which we'd rather not hear about. There are plenty of great archetypes and radical totally unbogus ideas out there, and I won't lie. 'Rocket Raccoon' barely makes the cut. (Don't forget this place is a furry safe establishment no haters or non-furry supporters allowed >:C)

I mean rockets are cool right? What aspiring 90s kids doesn't want to grow up seeing furry creatures with jetpacks or rocket boots or something cool like that. From little cute critters blasting about, to seeing the bestial creatures flurry towards the skys Power Puff Girls style like a miniature squeaking superman. I know I do.

Ok so maybe that's just me. Jetpack Pets aside, let's put my gently caressing fetish for childrens cartoons and picture stories off for another day indefinitely

So one when comes across Toys of such a great thrilling potential and testament of radical fortitude, one can sparsely hold their anticipation at thinking of such a toy. Merely imagining themselves throwing it across their room, smashing it towards the floor and engaging epic sweaty brawls with their other figures, inevitably breaking parts and detachable limbs for the amusement of none other than their playtime as the twisted prepubescent action-figure god they are. So imagine how their divine right to exhibit sadomasochistic tendacies on their play things works out when they see.. this.

Where's the damned Rocket you hornswoggling fraudulent hacks?

That's right. Rather than giving them an adorable raccoon playmate to throttle around with and imagine their furry friend saving the day and chewing through garbage dumps globally at the speed of whiskers, we've got this dingus. Not a miniature squeaking cuddly pal, not a rad Raccoon, ROCKET using cherubic Procyon Lotor in the midst of blasting off. Nope. We get this.

As Frankenstein Von Victor once said to his failed creation ages before that infamous book once said, "Holy shitcans bananas, that's the last time I ever do it with a drunken owl on friday the thirteenth while working in the lab. Maybe if I had, I'd invent some better goggles than the ones I did last night to hide this, thing from my sight. Who in the devils loins created that horror?!?" 

One can only wonder what kind of process is used to put together this mix-match of tacky, inelegant parts to create such a cretinous toy. Even assuming they has a monkeys paw stirring the broth of hell to produce it, who came up with such a stupid looking design? I mean, what part of this civilian furmonger speaks to a heroic and inspiring name like "Rocket Raccoon"? Least of all the Rocket part?

You know what's especially hilarious about this? I may not have read "Guardians of the Galaxy" or whatever fanciful series he's from, but typing "Guardians of the Galaxy Raccoon" into google and skimming for only 2 seconds turned up the following:

So you can see why this is a bit of a quagmire. There's clearly no poverty of coolness or gun-slinging agile ferocious raccoon spunk for the source material. So why the horrendous showing? Why have such a neat looking thimble character, and than give him a toy that looks like they stuck his head on a prison-escaped Hon Solo? Utterly horrific. 

I'd like to give some other special mention to that Starlord dude looks a little better by comparison.

Even if it looks like he's straining hard to hold back a dump and going to lay a wet fart any moment. Pose is kind of dumpy and hair isn't too shabby either. Closed cock-fisted syndrome remains at large.